Sail Away
by Angela3
Summary: Kate and Sawyer's thoughts before and after the raft sets sails.


I knew before the raft set sail that I couldn't be there to watch them leave – to watch _him _leave. It was a struggle to watch him walk away from me, away from the fire the night before, to see his familiar figure disappear into the darkness._ There's nothing on this island worth staying for_, he'd said, and the words had stung like salt in a wound.

_Me, _I'd wanted to say, ever the selfish one. _Stay for me. _I knew that if I asked if – if I just had the courage to open my mouth and say, S_tay – _just that one little word – maybe he would have. But I said nothing. I let him walk away. _Be safe, Sawyer, _was all I had managed. It wasn't much of a goodbye.

I looked for him the next day by the raft before they set sail, and I couldn't decide if I was relieved or devastated that I didn't find him. Maybe it was both. After all, what more was there to say that hadn't been said the night before? _Please don't go please don't go please don't go. _But begging had never really been my style. And I was afraid that for once, I might actually say something I meant – that seeing him climb onto that raft would force the moment to its crisis and I wouldn't be able to stop the words from coming, from telling the truth for the first time in a long time: _I want you to stay. _The thought of that kind of honesty scared me. Any lie had grown more comfortable to me than the truth.

I guess I just wanted one last glimpse of him – a more lasting image to keep in my mind than the one of defeat in his eyes as he'd told me there was nothing worth staying for – something more hopeful to hold onto than his image receding away from me into the darkness. And at the same time, I knew that my last image of him couldn't be one of him slipping over the horizon. Would I go running after the boat into the surf, waving madly at them to stop? Would I find my last reserve of inner strength finally break – would I finally let myself cry? I couldn't face those possibilities. So I ran. I'd gotten so good at running.

The days passed by slowly and the image that stayed in my mind was not of the last time I'd seen him. It was a different image, a more haunting image – the image of the time when I'd seen him, for once, truly open, honest, and vulnerable, tied to a tree in the middle of the jungle. There was no mockery, no flirting, no anger in his face – only the look in his eyes like part of him was dying inside. I knew the feeling, and it stuck with me.

Sometimes I saw his face as I drifted off to sleep, and I wondered to myself if he missed me the way I missed him. And I wondered if I would ever see him again.

_ ------- _

_There's nothing on this island worth staying for, _I'd said, and it was more of a challenge than a fact. _Prove me wrong, Kate, _I'd wanted to say. _Show me that if I stay here, you'll be more than just a pretty face to look at while I pass the time. Tell me to stay for you. Tell me that you're worth staying for, Freckles. Let yourself be worth it. _

But she'd said nothing, and so I'd walked away. _That was your boat, Freckles, and you missed it. Now it's time for me to get on mine._

_ -------  
_

When I saw Mr. Eko come into camp with Sawyer on his shoulders, a wave of relief swept over me so powerfully that I felt dizzy. He was alive, he was back, he was alive – but barely. And in that moment I realized that that wave of relief meant something. It meant everything.

I hardly left his bedside as he gradually regained his strength. Sometimes I just watched him sleep and prayed to a God I wasn't sure I believed in that he would pull through. _Please God, please. I lost him once. Don't take him away again. _

When he woke up and I heard that slow Southern drawl again, it was like the lights came back on in my life. And I smiled and laughed and let him lean on me as we walked out of the hatch into the jungle. It felt so good to feel his weight pressing against me, to know that he was real, to know that he was really there. And later on I would find myself biting my tongue to keep from saying everything I wanted to say – to prevent myself from telling him_ I'm so glad you're back So glad you're safe I think I love you Kiss me again again again again..._

The End


End file.
